Warrior Weekly: venturing into the unknown
Who’d have thought a voice workshop could trigger attack and create much-needed pause for clarity?
Most Sundays I share with you my week at a peak. The highs, the lows, the insights. Thought-provoking prompts at the end.
See you in the comments?
Monday – gentle movement to start the day and an early morning walk. I’d love to start every day like this and even though its long since been my aim, it rarely happens. Met a lovely photographer gentlemen who lost his wife to Alzheimer’s last year. I’d heard about him through one of my clients. He’s raised over £9,000 for the charity through his photography work, we had a lovely chat by the lakeside. Such a sparkle in his eyes and an appreciation for life well-lived, I hope to see him again.
In what way do you start your day? What is your go to early morning practice?
We’re all in a great space of Healing Through Writing together. Got the outline of my book together in this morning’s session and copied 15,000 words into it.
Tuesday – 9am writing class with the Hart Leap club. 35,000 words now copied over and the fears of being published started to creep in! The legalities of what I’ve written, do I really want to be bringing into the world the extent of all I’ve uncovered in my research from a medicine/treatment perspective? I guess good old perfectionism is rearing its head again and worries and concerns over how my book will be received and interpreted by others.
First retreat afternoon in a long time. My bodywork therapist has been out of action for several months after being diagnosed with stage 3 womb cancer, having a hysterectomy and subsequent treatment. She mainly hangs around on Insta if you’d like to read more about her journey. Her Goddess treatment, including bodywork, breast massage, blended oils and cacoa ceremony was out of this world. Hands down the best treatment, retreat experience I’ve ever received. Tons of healing that is a lot gentler than it used to be for me, boat loads of insight, unwavering support and space holding.
The needs I find fulfilled in an experience like this are someone else’s time (invested in me), support/guidance, easing tension/deep healing and someone to hold space for all of me. What needs do you have that are either being met or remain (like mine did for most of my life) unmet?
Wednesday – monster journaling sesh instead of yoga this morning. Floatation tank this aft more than made up for missing this week due to hols (got my own next week1). Took myself on a journey of meditation down the feminine (left hand side) then masculine (right hand side).
Questions answered around what life looks like when the feminine leads the way (worthy and deserving) and then consists of when the masculine is in balance with and compliments the feminine (anchored). Followed by a journey towards letting go of control (as guided earlier this week).
Received confirmation with this guidance that my books are going to bring about cataclysmic impact on the world and change the way we view health, healthcare, systems, diet, malfunction, our way of seeing, being and believing. Control was so tightly wound into my psyche, layers deep.
What insights, realisations and revelations have you received this week? How do you create space to tune into these?
Thursday – 9am writing class. 41,000 words in. Clear on my fears and what is to stay and what is to be enhanced - not so that I succumb to my fears but so that I improve on what’s already there. Standing even more steady and firm in my inner power than ever before.
A new Warrior’s Path journey started today with one of our very own readers! Not only that, it’s a migraine specific client and couldn’t have gone better. I think for this reason, it felt even more potent than all those who have previously embarked upon this journey.
The Voice workshop (as part of circle facilitation training) took us on one hell of a journey. It showed me where I once was with my voice, where I am now and unearthed a deeply rooted and unconscious insight around being compliant in voice and leaning into the masculine as part of this compliance.
Went to bed with head not feeling so good.
Friday – head still not feeling great. Woke up to the insight that “we live in a world where it is preposterous to claim that you can heal yourself from dis-ease”, wondering “why is that?”
Found myself laid up automatically affirming “I surrender to come what may. I’ve done enough”. A regular practice at one time but not one I rely on much anymore. Didn’t have capacity to respond to a message and realised that the head pain was getting worse ☹
Received an email at lunchtime with a reminder that “The voice session can feel really big, stirring things inside us that we have buried or have laid dormant for a long time”. It feels like this unearthing (of voice compliance) has been what has triggered attack on an emotional/energetic level.
I’ve spent my whole life being compliant in looks, behaviour, work, school, voice. Sitting down, sitting still, being a good girl. Don’t talk too loud, don’t get too fat. And now I’m worrying about being compliant in sharing the truth of my story.
In what ways have you been compliant all your life? How has your voice and your expression been silenced?
A full day in bed with the realisation that this is the 2nd time in a row that I haven’t puked. The 2nd time in nearly 30 years.
I talk about When It All Began here. But the remembering of an episode in school only came to me more recently. A visit to the school office to report how ill I felt just as the last lesson was starting. I was made to go to last class anyway and being conditioned to be a good girl and override how I was feeling, I did just that. It being Science class, the smell of gas was present and it was the smell of gas that made me puke. I wasn’t in any physical pain and the pain has been so severe all my adult life that I have associated this with migraine the most. On reflection, this was an earlier account of migraine being present. I was 15yo and it was the first time the illness was dismissed. Something which played out until I stopped being dismissive myself some 23 years later.
When you look back to where your migraine/chronic illness story all began, where did it really begin?
Saturday – head was better then it came back. Felt the need to shift the energy after a morning in bed. Got a shower and finished with a cold burst. I can eat, speak and even hair remove alongside attack now. All things that up until the recent year or 2 I couldn’t do.
Knew I wouldn’t be able to do much else today so decided to take my migraine hangover out for food with the Mr. Queuing for a table reminded me of my (past life) every week hangover. I rarely go out during any stage of attack these days yet I only ever used to be out during stage 1, 2 and 4 and all the in between. This was normal every weekend life to me in the past. To live with symptoms during, around and in addition to pain (stage 3) is not normal. This is not healthy. We can create health but living with symptoms on the daily is not it. Even when I appeared to “look” healthy, was still able to work, go out for dinner, tackle my never ending to do lists and party all weekend long. Giving off the impression I could function, when really at best I was living a life of fatigue.
Enjoyed eating lunch out and the short walk there and back but had to return to bed when we got back and sleep some more.
Reading my new fave writer
, at who’s story of anticipatory grief makes my heart break, made me connect to the hardest thing I’ve ever done (Article: Making Things Manageable shares her story about getting through the day). has an incredible way of saying so much in such short pieces.Aside from slowing down (I felt physically sick when I admitted this was so challenging for me - I had no idea at that point that this is a great challenge and struggle for many of us), creating space for the horror of what had become my own lived experience and then creating space to take my health beyond what is medically believed possible is by far the most difficult and challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life.
In a world that tells you there is no room for you, there is no space for you to be ill (or to have feelings), that once you reach a certain level of illness (for which it had no interest in the first place) that there is no possibility for you to do anything about it.
To go against this system and create the space anyway, has been the hardest most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s something that only got harder the further into the journey I delved. I feel largely that it’s because it meant creating space for my periods. Creating space to winter in winter week. Not just slowing down in Autumn week.
The most ludicrous thing is that in doing the unthinkable, the uninvited, the expressly forbidden, I have created space for wellness. Only to discover that there is no room and not much interest for that either. More space I am creating and taking up for myself.
To put this into perspective, I found it easier to research and understand the world’s most complex neurological disorder, take what is so deeply misunderstood, make sense of it and utilise the knowledge to implement changes to the improved benefit of my health. This was easier for me than it was to make space for all of me in a world and society that has felt deeply uncomfortable about the approach I have taken.
What does this say about the systems and the life we (collectively speaking) have created for ourselves?
Sunday – the Mr went off to the mountains as we had both planned to do. There is no way I could have gone when in full recovery mode from attack. The mountains are his medicine and I respect his need for that. I had a lovely sleep until 9am! A rare lie-in for me and feeling the benefits of sleep so much more than I used to during/around attack. Super grateful for this change.
Feeling much better today. Had a look at the Hay House book proposal ad reconnected with what a winning proposal I feel this is. I have 2 weeks to do something with it before submission deadline. I’ve been waiting to feel for the flow. As much as I appreciate this is often the least recommended thing to do, I’ve been comfortable with the possibility that this may not happen and I’d miss the deadline. In adopting this approach its opened up space for me to work on my books in the way that I have and for them to grow and evolve into even more. For me, this is preferable to being in push, force, striving energy. There is a time and a place for this energy (like when my life is in danger or at risk) but achieving a deadline isn’t a best use of it. Not if I want my health to continue improving in any case.
There are a big couple of things to do and several smaller pieces of work that I’m starting to feel confident I’ve got a chance of completing before I go on holiday next week. I’d set this as a timeline a few weeks ago, asked for help, support and guidance to come in and show me what was possible and confirm whether or not I should be going for it. It’s a far less stressful way of operating - though I appreciate a stark contrast to what we’ve been told, modelled and shown all our lives. I’m proud of myself for giving it a go, leaning into it and opening up to possibility. No more limiting myself. And even though I’m living through another attack this week, I can’t believe how much I’m celebrating and how I continue to thrive in life not in spite of all I’ve been through, but because of it.
Space for reflection
My greatest passion is to help others who live with chronic illness find their voice. Part of the work I do around this is to ask thought-provoking questions. Choose one or two below and let’s chat about what’s come up for you in the comments?
In what way do you start your day? What is your go to early morning practice?
What needs do you have that are either being met or remain (like mine did for most of my life) unmet?
What insights, realisations and revelations have you received this week? How do you create space to tune into these?
In what ways have you been compliant all your life? How has your voice and your expression been silenced?
When you look back to where your migraine/chronic illness story all began, where did it really begin?
Behind the paywall: I’ll bring these prompts to our Healing Through Writing space in the morning for those occasions where we need inspired ideas on what to write about. Join us? Here’s what to expect when you do.
I’m away on holiday next week so there will be no Warrior Weekly update for a week. I’ll be back the week after.
Thanks for the shout out, Amber!
1. In what way do you start your day? What is your go to early morning practice?
I get up, pee, wash my face and brush my teeth. Sometimes I lay in bed listening to music before I get up. Then I do a little cleaning whilst drinking half a litre of water, then I have breakfast ☺️
2. What needs do you have that are either being met or remain (like mine did for most of my life) unmet? Ooo good question and I think lll need to ponder this. My social needs aren’t being met, but that’s a complex one as it’s partly due to anxiety and being in a wintering phase so feeling the need to retreat.
3. What insights, realisations and revelations have you received this week? How do you create space to tune into these? I’m sure I’ve had some but I can remember! I should have a specific list or place for relations and revelations 😆
4. In what ways have you been compliant all your life? How has your voice and your expression been silenced? Being a woman with a chronic health condition. I silenced my voice and didn’t advocate for myself or my fertility.
5. When you look back to where your migraine/chronic illness story all began, where did it really begin? My memory similar to yours, like ‘the start’ albeit I had earlier symptoms. I was lying on the bathroom floor in agonising pain and wanting to vomit, my mum told me I had to go to school as I couldn’t take a day off for period pain (note the genetics for endometriosis came from my dad’s side of the family, so my mum’s experience of period pain was limited).