Drowning out the noise
Finding content in a world of discontent
After having overcome the enormity of slowing down in recent years, last year I wrote deeply on the topic for the first time. During which and most unexpectedly, I was able to process the grief of all that I had lost in the year 2018. The death of my dad, the loss of my income, the ending of my career and becoming so ill I could no longer function in society.
It is only in the writing of fellow chronic illness writers that I have been able to understand that what I was feeling that year was grief. A grief that I hadn’t been able to make space for until I wrote about the struggle of slowing down. A grief that spoke so deeply to so many of you that that post became my highest read and most engaged overnight.
A post that turned into a series, detailing the biggest insight I missed and moved on to me sharing what I’d learned the hard way so you don’t have to. In the writing of the third post, I uncovered what I now know to be a set of guiding principles. Until I had processed the enormity of what I have lived through and endured, I had been unable to see what has taken me from where I once was to where I am now.
Last week I attended a vipassana retreat and found myself thanking fellow chronic illness writers for sharing their stories on their own vipassana retreat experience. It is for this reason I am writing this piece. Perhaps you can see some of yourself in my words. Perhaps you will experience breakthroughs in the understanding of where you are on your journey. Perhaps it will inspire you to attend a vipassana retreat one day yourself.
For now, allow yourself the space to read, reflect and connect to any insights.
Setting the scene
For the first 3 months of booking this retreat I did not look forward to it at all. In my mind I had envisaged shared bedrooms with my partner. Comfort, luxury, creative practice. I was planning a 90-minute drive, 2 hours tops. I found one that matched my idea but learned it was fully booked. My partner found a retreat he really wanted to do, only it came with separate tents and travel down to Reading, over 3 hours from where we live in Yorkshire (England).
During April and May I turned a corner and began to look forward to the opportunity to break away from all of life’s distractions and have the space to deepen my healing further. It became clear during this time that I still had some thought patterns and beliefs that continued to plague my mind. Understanding that it was these that were somehow mangled up in and amidst physical symptoms of brain inflammation, heat in my head and tension – on some days, manifesting to pain.
There were times I felt uncomfortable with this level of insight, but one of my guiding principles has been to
‘get comfortable with being uncomfortable’.
This guiding principle was sure to stand me in good stead for the week ahead.
Southward bound
It was only the weekend before that we got more of an inkling of what lay ahead.
As well as camping for a week, the entire retreat was outdoors. We were going to need various layers of clothing, blankets, pillows. Eating was limited to two meals a day: breakfast and an early lunch. Meditation was from sunrise to sunset. The days were long and sleep times were set.
Healthwise, I’d made it through my most vulnerable time of the month. That said, it came with an awareness that the increased energy and wellbeing levels I now have had moved me into a space of overdoing it a little.
As we set off on the Monday (bank holiday here in the UK) morning, mild pain started in my forehead. I slept on and off all the way down (lucky me). As we went to eat our last meal before entering the retreat, I puked up all I had eaten earlier in the day finding that none of it had digested. There was no more food for me that day.
Luckily for me again, my partner set up my tent with all my equipment and I slept for the 2 hours we had before the official start of the retreat at 5:30pm. As we all came together for our first meeting, I could speak to other attendees (previously I would not have been able to speak to others during any kind of migraine episode or attack) but I didn’t have it in me to queue up to put my name down for shower times or karmic yoga sessions.
The first seated meditation began, and I nearly puked again. Trusting in the process became an integral part of my week and I returned to the practice of connecting with the present moment leaving me able to soothe away any feelings of sickness and nausea. I can’t remember much of that first evening, only needing my bed at 9pm and glad to collapse into slumber once more.
Day 2
When the gong went off at 4:30am the next morning, I had no issue getting up – even though I’d been awake after what might’ve been only 20 minutes or so sleep intervals throughout the night. In the dharma talks we learned that there are many layers of suffering we become attached to. Even though I was still recovering from the day before, I found myself celebrating all the layers of struggle I had at one time that are no longer:
- All food was vegan and freshly cooked. The absence of processed foods, meat, sugar and caffeine bothered me not one jot. I LOVED the food.
- There was only a small window in which food was served: 7:30am and 11:30am. That left long periods for fasting. I already fast to help give my digestion a rest and increase energy movement in my body. I didn’t obsess about food outside of this small window.
- Doubting the practice. Constantly wondering am I doing it right? Worrying repeatedly that I’m getting it wrong. I used to endure this level of internalised suffering, I’m not sure how long ago it stopped but its been a while.
- 4:30am starts. Each day I felt ready to get up, but for me camping helped with that. There’s only so long you can sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor for.
- Meditating 45 minutes back-to-back, alternating between sitting and walking. Meditation has been a huge part of my healing. It transformed the relationship I had with severe pain, helped me rewire neural pathways and healed my brain on an energetic level multiple times over – to the point that I went on to receive physical healing all over my head in the form of a tingling sensation 2 years on and still experience this today (5 years on). Each time the severe pain I’ve lived with all my adult life lessoned. Sometimes I got bored and ready to finish in the 5 or so minutes before the end, but it was a short lived experience.
- Sitting on the floor cross legged. One part of the meditation is to experience a feeling of content in the body. When we are not used to sitting in this position it can bring up so much discontent, aches and pains. Throughout most of the week I felt content in my body. On the occasions I didn’t, the discontent was all up in my head (in the form of tension). I found myself massively celebrating this because I certainly have not spent an adult life feeling content in my body. It was a foreign place to spend time. I’ve been highly anxious since a young child age and connecting with it was scary, I held on to a lot of fear in my body. Not anymore.
- Weeklong phone break. I am a massive screen addict. It’s taken me years to consistently implement any boundaries at all with my phone. I’d be on it in the middle of the night, first thing on a morning and constantly picking it up all day long. Last year, I started an occasional weeklong break. This year, I decided to make that more regular. This week was an additional bonus and one I was looking forward to instead of fretting about.
Each layer is such a common source of suffering that most people wondered why they had booked to attend and questioned their choices. The struggle of the first day or few days left many wanting to leave.
With each layer set out above removed, I was left with the realisation that I spend all day making stuff up in my head! I had no idea this was happening. At one point I had imagined a friend breaking up with a partner and me encouraging her to have a break-up party – wth!
By the end of the first full day, this level of insight became insufferable. I was tired and slept through all 3 breaks, became bored of the process and then felt angry at the incessant noise in my head. I kept leaning in to trust of the process, kept repeating the practice until I returned to the present moment and was able to free myself from any suffering.
A little pain in my head returned. It’s taken for me to get to this stage in my healing to identify with the true meaning of a ‘tension headache’.
Day 3
Following another easy to navigate start to the day, I experienced a moment of rapture. A lot of light in my meditation and a vision of an owl, waking up as if from a sleepy slumber. I felt so immensely proud of myself at the dinner table for all the work I’d done to get me to where I am now that my eyes welled up with tears. It’s not that I haven’t suffered or struggled to the extent that everyone else was with the many layers of suffering, it’s that I’ve been present with it, learned to befriend it, become witness to it and, over time, have been able to transmute this level of suffering.
In the afternoon it became clear that a thought pattern and desire I have is that I want to be the best. Another one entirely new to me. In today’s dharma talk we were advised that tomorrow, resistance would surface. I felt thankful for the head’s up.
At teatime with only a milky drink to indulge in, I ventured into the lake for some wild swimming. To me it felt warm by comparison to my at home cold plunge. The words this is what freedom feels like surfaced as I took my first breaststroke into the open water.
Day 4
4:30am wake up call and I’m ready and awake but I don’t want to get dressed! I instantly connected with this as a form of resistance. Hello resistance, I’m so glad I know its you. I’ve been practicing for long enough now to give myself some compassion. Go easy and gentle with myself. I allowed myself some time in getting ready and took it slow.
In venturing out of my tent, it was deadly quiet. Every one else was already settled down and ready to meditate. Immediately, triggered at the prospect of being ‘late’, instantly sending me in to a fear state – fear of repercussion – what I call a dark shadow appeared at the right-hand side of my head.
The shadow stayed with me all morning. I was so pleased my form of resistance was so mild but I couldn’t clear this shadow. In the afternoon’s dharma talk, the pain many of us would be experiencing was acknowledged. It was explained that if it came on during the session, it could be cleared. But that if the pain was long standing and was due to trauma then it wouldn’t be cleared in this week’s level of practice. Yet it was believed and understood that it could be cleared with longer term dedication.
This was empowering to me and in full alignment with the belief that my health matters, that there is something I can do about it and that if we can get to root of the cause then we can move towards to wellness. However, I have come to learn that it can be enormously triggering to a person who lives in a state of chronic suffering. Through research1 I have learned that it can feel invalidating, particularly when the suffering is so great and has continued for many years/decades.
During this day several attendees left the retreat. I got the impression this was normal and could certainly relate to the level of resistance coming up for others. Not because I have merrily skipped on by and blissfully arrived at the position I am in now, not at all. It’s because my resistance has been so strong in the past I have found it easier to be severely ill and bedbound than to keep on going, to keep making the changes, to keep taking up space – all only to continue experiencing more illness (albeit incrementally less in a non-linear fashion over time). There have been times I wanted to make my own escape, and this included every romantic relationship I’ve had to date (bar the one I am in now) and many other times in my life up to and including recent years.
Throughout the retreat, we each attended a 15-minute interview where we had a chat through our experience in a safe and held, protected space. The ‘shadow’ at the right-hand side of my head had now turned into tension at the back of my head. I was feeling agitated.
The topic of perfectionism was broached which left me with a massive internal sigh not this again. I have been working on perfectionism for years! Haven’t I done enough?
I continued with the practice of one form of meditation then another as diligently as I could. The tension moved from the back of my head to the left-hand side. As I went to sleep, I carried on with the practice of breathing in, silently stating ‘rising’ and breathing out, silently stating ‘falling’, noting the endless stream of thoughts that surfaced and labelling them ‘thoughts’. It eventually subsided.
Day 5
The following day I was able to connect the dots and deeper insights started coming through. My thoughts around wanting to be the best is a manifestation of perfectionism. Tied up with not feeling enough as I am. Leaving my body with a sense that there isn’t much room, much space – why can’t we all be the best? The best version of ourselves as opposed to better than any other?
What was most insightful was that no one else was involved in this trigger. It all happened within the confines of my own mind. I panicked when I thought I was late. I feared repercussion. There was no consequence of my action. I wasn’t told off. I wasn’t reprimanded. I was the last person to sit down – someone must be the last though, right?
On the Friday I experienced boredom for the 2nd time this week. I was ready for the end to arrive. There had been talks of 10-day retreats and even 21. There was no way I was ever going to do this again!
Day 6
Today I sat by the river as I often had been doing and a family of geese came to feast on the edge directly in front of me. 4 little gosling and 2 geese. I was in awe they got so close. In the days before I had seen 2 swans (I love swans) – when they flew the following day I felt like metaphorically they were representing me and my partner and we were both getting ready to fly.
On the days I thought of him and wondered how he was getting on, I realised this was thinking…more thoughts, more wanting of what wasn’t there for me in the moment. When I glanced to see him doing the walking meditation, I could tell he was in his element. He bloody loves processes!
An intrusive thought arose which only happened twice the entire week. What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me after this retreat? What if he changes his mind on our plans, our vision, our future?
I remembered the book I read, Making Change That Lasts. Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s wife went away on her own to retreat. Before she left, he said he wouldn’t stand in her way if she discovered they were no longer in alignment romantically. Not because that’s what he wanted but because they choose to show up in their relationship together in a conscious and connected way. I’m not sure I’m there yet.
I decided to close my eyes the next time I walked past him and tune in to what I could feel. When I felt a strong heart energy connection, I realised that was all I needed to know.
There were occasions when I had to intentionally divert away from him, because I felt like I would break the silence. Today was only the 2nd time I felt like that and noticed it was when I was feeling bored and tired and angry!
During tonight’s last session a great surprise awaited. Instead of the loving kindness meditation, there was a camera set up and we could each take turns to speak of our experience. I knew immediately that I wanted to start with being on top of a mountain in Thailand by a giant gold Buddha where I received the message ‘for the highest and greatest good of all’. I didn’t know how the rest of my share would unfold which is how I often roll in my talks these days.
I was a tad nervous in speaking in front of a large audience of 50-60 people, with a camera and a microphone.
When my talk was reaching its conclusion, I found myself thanking all in attendance for sharing their stories (not least because I am so nosy! But all week I was so intrigued as to what had brought each one of us here and how they were finding it).
Moving back to my seat, I knew I had done myself proud and delivered a well-rounded, engaging and even humorous speech. My first time speaking to such a great number of people, so I was really thrilled with myself.
That said, it didn’t stop me replaying the speech on repeat, over and over again, finding fault, looking for gaps in what I had shared and rehearsing what I could have said instead. Why can’t I stay with how well I did? I have overcome so much stage fright to get here, it may not have been perfect and yet I excelled in so many other ways.
Day 7
I woke up with the continued mental chatter and what I have come to realise is an imbalance. An imbalance between my body and brain, causing me discontent. The migraine brain likes balance. After this week I can fully appreciate how and why.
We ended the retreat with a final round of meditation, yoga and meditation. Finished with a dharma talk on integrating our week as we return to our homes and lives.
Finally! We could talk over breakfast. Reconnecting with those we met on arrival. Making introductions to new faces. Engaging in deep and profound shares. All so much brighter, lighter and glad we made it! Glad we stayed and learned to surf through the waves of boredom, anger, fear and resistance that rose up alongside moments of joy, peace and profound freedom.
After spending the first 4-5 days thinking I would most certainly never do this again, I’ve come away thinking that maybe I just might.
How about you? Have you ever been on a vipassana retreat, or considered going on one?
Would you now after reading this?
I absolutely love that you stuck it out Amber, I'm not sure I could have! What an amazing experience to reflect on and find another level.
Great read Amber 💖 Sounds like a great experience and some really interesting thoughts. Well done on speaking well in front of a large group too. Xx