The journey of writing a memoir (round 2)
It’s become all about the practice, the power of the pause and celebrating self.
I’ve given myself an extended break from writing Warrior Weekly on a Sunday. Tonight, I share this celebratory update with you instead. As per, there are thought-provoking prompts at the end, though I’ll share this one with you now. If you were to gift yourself a break from ONE job in your week this next week, which one job would it be?
Towards the back end of last year I shared a timeline on how the whole business of book writing was panning out. Where it started, how it had progressed and how I was blasting through the blocks.
I had started to become aware of feelings of anger that were surfacing, showing itself to me for my attention. Suppressed anger over all I have been through, all I have endured. Part of the processing of the horror of my own lived experience that this journey of book writing had inadvertently taken me on.
Of course, when I first began to write, I had heard about “the book before the book” but I didn’t want that to be part of my journey. I wanted to skip that part. Move right to the bit where I whip out an international best-seller. It’s been a painful part of the process so I can see why.
I am thankful to myself now, that I took a step back in the writing process and chose to celebrate how far I’d come. There is a power in the pause that we haven’t been taught, as we choose, perhaps unconsciously, to push and force and strive and struggle and “just get on with it” instead.
It was in this space I realised that this book had indeed been “the book before the book”. It wasn’t easy to acknowledge, it wasn’t easy to accept. I spent 2 years writing this book. Well, one year being so triggered by an insight I’d missed early on in my healing journey that I couldn’t return to it for an entire year. Now I had to face and accept the hook, the outline and the many thousands of words I’d written were to be no more.
I stilled myself long enough to receive the word “listen”.
Ok, I am listening.
In this space I came across some uncomfortable truths. The book wasn’t the book. The book was to be a complete rewrite and more of a ‘how to’ book. I couldn’t make sense of this so I had to pause much longer. Be patient. Sit in stillness. Take a step back from it all. There were periods of this that were frustrating. But what this space opened up was something I never saw coming.
January 2024
Published author friend, Lorraine Buxton, sent me a writing competition for Partnership Publishers.
“Have you been inspired this year and have a story to share?” read the initial line.
“Wow, I hadn’t seen that. I had such an incredible year last year that I could write a book about it!” I replied.
Throughout the rest of the month, I did some more sitting in the dark, resting and retreating. It was winter outside, a daily cloak of darkness in the mornings and in the evenings. It felt like the world wanted me to carry on as though I were some lit up Christmas tree. I chose to honour the space I had created for myself and stay in the cycle of the season; winter. For the first time in my life I was consciously wintering. Well, it was the first time I was wintering without the guilt, without the hardship, without the challenge, without the resistance, without the fear. I found myself swept away with the energy of overdoing it pre-Christmas. My body needed rest. To slow down. To be. I was listening before Christmas but I was ignoring. Now I was listening and responding.
1st February
Updated message sent to Lorraine “Big shift today, I’ve typed 6,000 words for the writing competition!”
Writing aspects of this last year took me to depths of vulnerability I haven’t been before. Sharing parts of myself that I haven’t yet shared in a public way. It all got too much and I had to go for a walk, soothe myself by telling myself that no one would read this book anyway. Returned from a nature walk to the idea of turning this book into a journal. A journal that was to guide others towards daring to dream, stepping into their inner power and flying fearless. And a knowing that this book was going to be my first published book.
Fast forward to Feb 24th and I was up at 4am with the full moon. Sat typing 4,500 words (that turned into 3 blogs) following being interviewed the day before on the theme of hormonal health. Remembering at 7am that today was the deadline for the competition, and I still hadn’t finished editing.
Entering this competition wasn’t about winning I had decided. Part of my practice has been to (attempt to) let go of outcome-based thinking. I sent in what I felt was a flimsy attempt of a submission yet pleased that it all seemed to flow and an alignment was there. I’d heard from published author Caro Giles that she entered a writing competition and unexpectedly won so you never quite know.
A second reason for submitting an entry was the relevance of aligning to my vision and what it is that I want. If I am ever to be an international best-selling author, I need to show up to this calling and for my work to be seen.
This same weekend, a new book title “Making Peace with Migraine” came through in my sleep. I’d done my best to make peace and let go of “the book before the book” and this was what came through in its place.
March
I moved back home after the 2-month park closure. 2 months is a long time to be away from your own home. I felt the need to re-root myself. Reground and resettle. “Take it slow. Go easy” seemed to be a message on repeat.
Paid work took off again and 6 clients came to Retreat With Me. Each one leaving changed and transformed.
I stayed true to the energy, still had no idea what was happening with the Hay House deadline with one more month to go. At this stage, I no longer had a book to submit a proposal for. All I had was a new book title. And a newfound comfort with staying in flow, leaning into the power of the pause and celebrating where I was at. So comfortable with this way of life am I that I was entirely accepting that this may mean missing the Hay House deadline and submitting no proposal at all.
This month I began to note that I can achieve more in a couple of weeks than I have been able to in a couple of months – for how many years this remains to be the case I’m unsure. I know that we are talking so many that it’s perhaps even all of the ones I’ve lived in this lifetime?
April
“Space for self” was this month’s message as I sat down to plan for the month ahead in the My Self Seeded Business journal (created by the fabulous
and proving one hell of a tool for me this year).Space for self….probably just as well, I figured. I haven’t got a great deal in terms of paid work booked in. (You can read more about my money story here if you want to understand why I’m no longer worrying myself sick over it.)
A healing visit with a life-long friend sparked a conversation around there already being a book. In and amongst my blogs, posts and poems she said.
“I’m listening” I said back to her.
“Publish this book for you. No one else”. She continued. “A celebration for where you are now.”
“This is landing. It is done”. I replied.
By the end of the following week I had an outline of all the chapters I wanted to include and 44,000 words copied into a document. This is “Migraine and Me” with new hook, “Walking the Warrior’s Path”.
And what to make of “Making Peace With Migraine”? I realised that this book is the ‘how to’ book that had been quite daunting and uncomfortable to sit with just a few months ago. All that had been unknown had now revealed itself to me through various channelled messages and insights. In no time a new outline for this new book, now a 4th book under the theme of migraine disease and chronic illness.
Alongside all this, I am studying circle facilitation and I used some of the spare time not in paid work to catch up with the self-study side of it. Another practice in not seeing myself as behind because I am not the old version of me where I would have been on top of all my work, sat at the front of class with a gold star. Instead, I am this new version of me where I ‘do what I can when I can’ and the story I’ve been telling myself is that “I am behind”. This one has been super challenging for me but determined as I am, I persisted anyway. This was the month this practice paid off. I found myself right where I needed to be, right on time. On my timescale and not on anybody else’s. Until this….
In attending a voice workshop as part of these studies, it uncovered something so dormant within me/my psyche that it went on to trigger (migraine) attack. Compliance in my voice and a leaning into the masculine (energy) to keep my self safe and protect myself. Only we aren’t living in times where we need to do that anymore and not only is this way of being not serving me, it’s also keeping me sick.
I am here to create paradigm shifts in the way we look at health, healthcare, systems, malfunction, diet, our way of seeing, being and believing. Yet I’d been wondering how I could tidy some of my blogs up in parts, all in the name of compliance.
Somewhere in and amongst the aftermath (recovery stage of attack), the force from within that I call flow presented itself to me and 6 hours later, I’d polished the unpolished version of last year’s winning book proposal. I made a bullet point list of further improvements that were required.
With 2 weeks to go and the realisation that I’m gonna make it! I not only have the book (for this proposal), I have an entirely new book drafted, loosely edited and submitted to competition and I now have the book – which is the book I thought I was writing all along and has turned into something entirely different.
In working with a client recently, the question of “what do you want my story to be?” came up. “How can you rewrite my story?”
I made a note of these prompts and journalled on them myself once our session had ended.
I no longer want my story to be one of hardship, pain, suffering, miscommunication, conflict, trauma. Nor one that is lonely, unsupported or misunderstood.
The new story I am writing for myself is one of ease, truth, peace and love. I am wanted, loved and cared for. Supported, protected and understood. People do have time for me. I am heard. To be witnessed is a need of mine and for the first time this month I am comfortable in asking others for that need to be met. Well, I am practicing.
New story written and later that same day, I received an email from Partnership Publishing. A competition I let go of the outcome to was one I had forgotten all about.
CONGRATULATIONS said the email, there are 3 that we feel would be inspirational to publish as an e-book.
Amber Horrox – Unleashing My Inner Power: Daring to Dream and Flying Fearless.
“This submission reminds us a lot of Eat – Pray - Love in the way that she is aware of being ‘guided’ by an internal knowing to live her life her way. She follows her heart, overcomes personal challenges on all fronts, including physical pain and heartache. It is an honest account and an inspirational journey for anyone who is searching for balance in their life.”
Are you freaking kidding me….comparable to Eat Pray Love???????????? Is that not the ultimate writing compliment you could ever receive!?!?!?!?!
I wanted to tell everyone and tried my best to stay with the excitement myself. Enjoy my moment. That, and I was in recovery from a 2nd attack this month (a rarity for me now and reminder that this journey is not a linear one). PLUS the Hay House deadline due in 2 days and still plenty to prepare in readiness for Sunday’s submission.
I worked short bursts and rested. Rested and worked short bursts.
This year, I submitted what I believe to be a winning book proposal, 4 hours before the deadline (instead of last year’s 4 minutes). Unlike last year, it was polished, the sample chapters were to a high standard. And entirely like last year, I did my very best and now for the 2nd time, no matter the outcome, I rest self-assured that my best is good enough.
“Migraine and Me” in its new format will be published either way. For the first time in this 4-year journey, I am ready to self-publish.
I am rewriting my story from a place of peace, of ease, of truth and I will learn to tell it from my heart. A practice in the making each time I have written a post, a blog, a poem.
Space for reflection
My greatest passion is to help others who live with chronic illness find their voice. Part of the work I do around this is to ask thought-provoking questions.
What do you want your story to be?
How can you rewrite your story?
How can you tell it from your heart?
Behind the paywall: I’ll bring these prompts to our Healing Through Writing space in the morning for those occasions where we need inspired ideas on what to write about. Join us? Here’s what to expect when you do
A Yoga Class for Writers
My previous post shared with you a brief overview of my own journey with healing through writing.
AH-MA-ZING, Amber! No matter how these are published, you are going to continue changing lives with your words and wisdom. Congratulations 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
So blooming over the moon for you! Congratulations (again) 💚😘