Kicking Caffeine and Cocktails

The reality of quitting, craving and addiction. Relapses ‘n’ all.

At the point of being unable to work, because I could no longer physically get out of bed, at a time when the attacks were coming in at 2 a week with no chance of recovery between, I made the decision to cut caffeine AND alcohol out of my life right there and then. That was it, we were done.

The fact that I physically couldn’t drink either option, in many respects, made it easier. 

These were 2 of the first number of changes I made in the early days.

I went from drinking around 10 cups of coffee a day in the office and binge drinking every weekend to going cold turkey and realising enough was enough, it all had to stop.

I’ve since been asked did I experience withdrawal symptoms from either. At the time I was very very unwell, living in agonising and severe pain from one day to the next, 3 days at a time totalling 6 days a week. So I’d say because of that, I didn’t feel any difference at all (it might have been different had I not been contending with what I was).

In fact, I can’t say I even felt any better, because I absolutely did not. It made no difference at all to the attacks I was experiencing then, the frequency, the severity, the symptoms. Not a jot.

The initial decision came from recognising I had a choice about my health moving forwards, a realisation that these habits were not good for me anyway and a knowing that changes were what it was that I needed to do and make. With little more than hope that at some point I might start getting better.

It’s the only thing that kept me going with these changes and the only reason I kept them up.

Though as far as alcohol is concerned and my finally realising this is an enormous trigger for me, I’ve never really had much in the way of temptation since. I did once read that for those who find alcohol to be a trigger for migraine, they tend to avoid alcohol at all costs. 

I can testify, that in my case, this is not true.  Alcohol was a big part of my life and an every weekend occurrence.  I’d been binge drinking for over 20 years by the time I stopped for good. You know, the legless, falling down drunk type. Memory loss from the night before. I spent so many mornings after the night before thinking “please god, let me have gone to bed by the time I got in the a real state”. Always turned out I stayed up way way after I had got into a real state and was often the last one to pass out.

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

From the beginning I was regularly sick pretty much every time I drank.  Over time, this would increase to being sick 6-12 times with every hangover, not being able to get out of bed all day and maintaining that it was the pain that made me sick. Yet, still I drank.

Years into drinking, I started to notice a correlation between my period and the hangovers being the worst of their kind. However, I didn’t track my menstrual cycle and ever even think of such a preposterous thing as to plan around it. So when my period would arrive, I’d either already be out or about to go out. I ignored the fact that my period had arrived and my knowing that this was going to worsen my hangover experience. I paid the price.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash

On my 31st birthday one January, I’d just bought my first house, done it up and had a moving in party with the girls.  I prepared food that was all set out in the living room ready for us to eat and bought all the ingredients for pornstar martinis. We started drinking them in the kitchen, never made it out of that room.  All the drink was drunk, we had a brilliant time but none of the food was eaten.  The next day I started being sick and couldn’t get out of bed as usual. Not even to see friends off who had stayed over.

This particular hangover didn’t just last a full day, I was ill for a full week.  I guess it could’ve been mixed in with some other bug but it was enough to put me off drinking for the rest of the year. It took me an entire week of being ill to the extent I was most weekends to put me off alcohol.

I took non-alcoholic drinks to BBQs, refrained from drinking on nights out. I’d been put off so much by this one episode it didn’t bother me at all.  It did, however, bother my friends.  I was always being encouraged to have a drink.  A big deal was always made out of me not drinking.

Looking back, I must’ve enjoyed much better health that year, but at no point did I even consider reflecting on such a thing. It was only because I had been that ill for that long in one stint that I couldn’t possibly touch a sip.

Christmas parties started in November that year and a 30th birthday celebration in Edinburgh, 2 events in one weekend. I succumbed to peer pressure and expectation for both and that was me drinking again. I got that drunk on the first night that I lost my phone.

In all this time, it never once occurred to me that my body was trying to communicate to me the alcohol was more of a poison than a prop to have a good time with.

It’s been 4 years since what I consider to have been my “wake-up” call and I haven’t really had any temptation since. There was one occasion I went on a hen do after a 5-day (pain element only) migraine attack and I’d had a disagreement with my then boyfriend.  The frustration and lack of emotional support and understanding from him (and anyone around me) all became too much and I told him to fuck off, put the phone down and drove to the hen do party house where everyone was staying and drank 6 cocktails.

I don’t recall regretting it or feeling any worse than I already did after 5 full days in very severe pain, but I still made the decision to continue with the change and never do it again. 

I’ve never felt tempted since, not once felt like I am missing out. I’ve been really fortunate that none of my friends have encouraged me to drink or put any pressure on me to get involved in something I no longer want to or isn’t good for my health since I quit this time round.

I used to be the last man standing at a party, celebration or night out. Now I’m the first one down! Mostly, I’m comfortable with that.

Caffeine on the other hand…

Somehow, as I was beginning to benefit from making the changes and the attacks were still as frequent and debilitating, but the pain was less severe and less agonising (for a time), at one point even on/off, I got into drinking decaf.

A couple of jars in I found that decaf was just processed coffee and I figured I might as well go back to drinking the real thing then. I avoid anything processed as much as I can and I figured what’s the harm in one cup of coffee a day. As long as I’m never breaking the golden rule of 2, all’s good.

Over time, I was back on 2 cups a day. I maintained this boundary and never went over it. A big shift from my previous days of more 10 cups a day. And still an achievement worth me celebrating.

Me not noticing any direct link as a trigger to migraine and having a boundary in place I was comfortable with saw me being ok with this.

It was only last November when I went on a walking holiday with a friend and neither of us prioritised taking any coffee with us that I realised I was addicted to it.

Each morning I got up and did my own early morning routine whilst my friend continued to sleep (we’re talking 7am). I noticed that each morning I was feeling irritable and found myself anxiously wondering where we would be going so I could pick up a latte.

The connection I made between caffeine and a possible migraine trigger in this case was with the feeling of being irritated.  I’d noticed a couple of years earlier, that when I feel irritated around the time of the month where I am due on my period, I am pretty much guaranteed a migraine attack.  There’s little I can do to prevent it.  Now this may or may not be down to caffeine withdrawal, let’s even assume it wasn’t. It’s just that my mindset with my health now is, I’m looking to heal myself fully and I want to wipe out migraine disease and attacks from my life altogether.  There are enough things in day-to-day life that we can find irritating as it is.  Why would I want to add to this in any way if I can completely avoid some of it? The simple answer is I don’t and I’m not going to.

I also understand caffeine has been linked to anxiety. Another trigger for me. I’ve been following an anti-inflammation way of eating for a few years now and I later read that it was also beneficial to reducing anxiety.  Anxiety has reduced in my life quite substantially and I am focussed on keeping it this way. So another good reason for me not to drink it.

That said, by the time I got home, I no longer felt in the same cycle of addiction. Yet, I chose – with some level of awareness – to return to drinking my morning coffee, followed by another cup of coffee throughout the day.

Several months, and all this time it being in the back of my mind later, I had a chat with my healing coach about it and how I felt I needed coffee completely out of my house so that I could kick the habit and to hell with anyone coming over and wanting a coffee in my home. I don’t know how one conversation with him does it, but by the end of the session, I did little more than put the coffee to the back of the cupboard so that it was available to offer to visitors whilst being out of my eyesight.

It's always the cycle of addiction I’m looking to break and the impact such habits and behaviours have on how I FEEL, so I put in place a new boundary. After all, a little bit of what you fancy and what is life without balance?

This time, my boundary was to avoid caffeine in the autumn week of my menstrual cycle (3rd week & as recommended by Claire Baker in 50 Things to Know About Periods) and altogether in the house.  The second part of my boundary being that I can still enjoy the occasional latte when I’m out and about, just not as an everyday occurrence. 

This worked really well for a few months.

At the time of writing this, it’s June 2022 and I am 4 years on from first kicking caffeine and cocktails. I’m visiting a friend in Oslo, Norway where I’ve been asked to teach yoga to all her work colleagues. Part of my big dream to work whilst I am travelling is starting to come to life and I am excited AF at how I can achieve and manifest anything I put my mind to.

On arrival here Wednesday (it’s Saturday at the time of writing), I heard about the coffee here being way cleaner and tastier than England’s. So I’ve enjoyed a latte every day. After all, I am on holiday.

Photo by Fahmi Fakhrudin on Unsplash

Upon waking early this morning and with my friends enjoying a lie-in, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about leaving their flat for a coffee. So much so, I got ready and left for a walk in the sunshine as they were waking.

I’m more consciously aware of my addiction to caffeine, how it feels to want it out of need over the want of enjoyment, how the impact of not having it feels and the indirect effect this may have on future attacks.

It is my aim to drink it on occasion, out of enjoyment over that feeling of needing it to get through the day.

And so to help me bust becoming newly addicted once again, I am sat here in the sunshine outside of the coffee shop writing this blog!

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Do I still have the same craving for coffee I had before I started writing? Sure. It’s like a taste in my mouth that I can feel, as though only caffeine will hit the spot.

So, what’s changed?

Writing through the process and reflecting on how far I’ve come, connecting with how I feel about it and what my boundaries are around this one change has helped give me the willpower to order a fresh fruit/veg smoothie instead. One full of antioxidants and a drink that will help reduce inflammation in my body instead.

I still have that taste for coffee in my mouth and it might be my future self that thanks me for this one – not the version of me sat here right now – yet it still remains to be the case that I am so freakin’ proud of myself, all I’ve done, achieved and overcome.