During my yoga teacher training studies between the 1st and 2nd UK lockdown, we ended our weekly circle with an accumulation of our soul whispers connecting even more deeply. We were invited to create a vision from the soul whispers we’d received during our weekly yoda nidra classes, an activity I really enjoyed doing.
During the final circle I was in recovery from attack. Back then, recovery from my twice monthly week+ long attacks left me feeling like my head had been beaten up all the way around the inside and as if my stomach had been ripped out. My full body as if it has been run over by a truck. I was unwell to the point that I couldn’t sit up.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t have attended the circle, however it was the grand finale of a two month+ transformational journey. At the start of which, unbeknown to me or anyone around me, I’d entered a massive relapse.
In one of the early circles, we learned about the 4-part journaling which went on to become the foundation to the deeper end of my emotional regulation journey a couple of years later. I will write more about this aspect of my journey in the new year.
I want to share about the first time I did this 4-part journaling that I settled in to do as I was coming out the other side of attack that was no more severe than any other that I’d endured for the 22 years prior. Only this time, I learned that at the point of experiencing an attack of this nature, this is where you are recommended to seek urgent medical attention and make a trip to A&E.
Not at any point before this had it ever occurred to me to seek medical attention beyond what I thought you were supposed to do which was to go to the doctors and tell them about it. Not seeking urgent medical attention when you require it is something I later went on to learn is a sign of co-dependency.
I’d been up in the night in severe pain that I now know is to the near highest end of the scale (50% more painful than childbirth, kidney stones and gunshot wound). Puking many times over. A myriad of many other symptoms that paled into insignificance in comparison to the excruciating pain, yet were nonetheless disabling.
This being the first time that I was able to give myself the option of going to A&E, sitting under fluorescent lights for many hours knowing that I may or may not get something to help at the end of it.
The other option I was aware of having for the first time was that I could stay in my wonderful bed with my ice packs and hot water bottles wrapped all the way around my head, safe with the knowledge that at some time (for these years, 72 hours later), it would pass1.
During one of the early circles the week that followed indescribable and unimaginable levels of pain and suffering, we shared our insights on the 4-part journaling we had done together. At the end, when answering the question
“What does my loving voice need to hear?”
I choked back the tears when I read out the response from my loving voice that there was
“Nothing to worry about. Nothing is wrong”
These words have stayed with me on occasion ever since.
When you get quiet for a moment (perhaps placing one hand on your heart and taking a few gentle breaths), ask yourself the question
“what does my loving voice need to hear?”
How does your body, your mind and your heart respond?
When it came to the final circle, I did not want to miss it. So I joined my fellow circle from all over the world, from my bed. I felt less alone when they said they felt like they were in my room with me.
During the circle, we were invited to connect with our soul whispers and the vision we had created from them and during meditation, think of a song. The song that immediately came through to me was “The Power of Love”.
We were then guided to connect with our big dream. Only, I couldn’t connect to any dream of any kind. Only a feeling in my body which was around the groin area of my right-hand side and into my womb.
I instinctively knew this to be fear. I’d never before connected with this feeling or emotion in my body. I did not know myself to be consumed with fear before this, certainly not to this extent. Nor that fear was blocking me to any kind of future that I might dream of or desire.
Inspired by Brene Brown and in the absence of being able to connect to a big dream, I went on to add the intention to my soul whispers vision:
“I let go of all fear and feeling scared. I open myself up to being vulnerable and love with my whole heart. No guarantees, I trust again”
Some months into the following year, I returned to having my regular bodywork massage therapy after a long break due to each lockdown. During one such treatment, I reconnected with the fear in my body in that same area. I discovered all sorts of fears including the fear of getting pregnant and at the root of it, the fear of being me.
In this fear, I felt no freedom at all. It was a protective fear and one in which we need for our survival. However, this had become so all-consuming, it was debilitating. In this space, I couldn’t connect with what it was I truly, deeply wanted.
Around the same time, I trained to become a bodywork massage therapist and embarked upon the journey of circle. A journey in which I began to explore my inner world and my life-time experiences in a way I never had before. In the end, connecting me to the mother wound and the witch wound.
I recovered from the massive relapse of 2020 and went into a further relapse in the autumn of 2021. Only this time, I had learned through my research that relapse is all part of the journey.
The second relapse, at its root, was triggered by fear. A fear so deep that according to Marion Woodman, it is our greatest fear.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”.
As I was entering that relapse, I saw a bright, light, sparkly, energetic version of myself in meditation. And it scared the heebie jeebies out of me.
I sat with the question
“Do I even want to get well?”
You might be able to imagine how deeply uncomfortable that day was.
In 2022, the following year, I began to sit with my emotions every day. Alongside which I moved into a static caravan to gift the freedom to do this. But not without frist entering a dark period of depression, enduring a dark night of the soul and testing positive for Covid on Christmas Day.
It was the only way (I could find) that I knew would lead to my next biggest breakthrough. A breakthrough so momentous that it is not medically believed to be possible – not even by many neuroscientists.
Yet since taking my healing ever deeper, ever darker and learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, I haven’t experienced agonising pain to this extent since.
Gradually, the pain and all associated symptoms, severity and duration have reduced.
I have been able to function through attack.
This being for the first time in my adult life.
Finally, I was well on my way to being:
Last year, I was able to release a lot of the fear that I’d been carrying like a led weight. Finally, I felt a freedom I have never before known.
It is in this combination of my yoga teacher training, bodywork massage therapy and (this year’s) circle facilitation studies that I have created and designed new monthly offering, Free To Be Me.
Integrating themes, energies, grounding, meditation, gentle movement (seated or lying down), massage and breathwork to support your nervous system. All in circle style.
Additionally, a space like this benefits not only from my combined training alongside my lived experience but also absorbs all of the reading, researching and digesting of the never-ending self-education I’ve done on
migraine disease
chronic illness
healing
trauma
hormones and
energy.
No other creation like it exists.
Free To Be Me will be held on the first Thursday of every month (9th January in the New Year as a one off).
90 minutes of coming together in a safe and brave, fully held space, in co-creation with one another.
Here, there is no hierarchy. There is no me telling you what to do.
For my belief is that you already know.
I am here to guide and teach and share my story. All so that you can learn to connect to what is true for you in a way that you feel seen, heard and understood. In a space free from judgement and noise.
To go deeper within, to explore the inner world we (understandably) fear so much.
For this is where true freedom lies. This is where the peace we all wish to seek comes alive. Harmony and balance, restored. The very possibility of it becomes real in any case.
As with The Power of 3 (The Warrior’s Path, 29th - 31st January), this will be a donation based offering.
Join us?
Donation based suggestions:
I’m under water and feel like I’m drowning financially – zero/pay what you can.
My head is above water. Just. I would like to support you as well as support myself - £22.
I’m in the sea but I’m swimming. I have financial energy in my reserves - £33.
I’ve crossed the ocean. I can see land. I want to deepen my journey with you - £111 one year membership. This month’s Free To Be Me and weekly Healing Through Writing included.
No matter your circumstances or situation, you are invited to join us.
The invitation extends to showing up as you are, in much the same way I have myself in the past (and continue to do so to this day).
Save your space for January here.
I’d only very recently learnt to affirm to myself “it’ll pass” by a fellow migraine warrior who came to be a client of mine and then subsequent friend. Affirming this during the most severe and agonising attacks has been an anchoring practice ever since.
<3 <3 <3 Beautiful
Woo! Free to be 🔗💚