Best introduce myself…

The truth of who I am, gone off on a bit of a tangent.

I’ve done a couple of exercises in the past where I’ve answered the question “Who am I?” and I’ve always gone down the usual route of responding with WHAT I am…

My name is Amber.

I am 42 years old.

I am a beauty and bodywork therapist

I am a yoga teacher

I am fully self-employed

I am a migraine warrior

I am a sister to 2 brothers and a sister

I am an aunty to 2 nieces, 2 nephews.  In fact, I’m everyone’s favourite Aunty Amber (my friends’ kids too) which I love.

I live in a holiday home by 7 lakes

I am a writer

But the truth is, this is not WHO I am.  And I’ve found that becoming attached to the various masks and labels hasn’t really served me in any way, not deeply.  It doesn’t really tell you too much about me as a person.

I talked a bit in my last blog about who I used to be – someone who worked crazy hours all in pursuit of the big career, I was a party animal who lived in a luxury city centre apartment, watched loads of tv, binged and grazed on food all day, partied all weekend, took loads of drugs, drank insane amounts of alcohol, cups of coffee, tea, and water, always had a co-dependant relationship on the go… I was always dependant on something outside of myself.

Photo by Efren Barahona on Unsplash

Unbeknown to me, in my 30’s I was living in constant state of fatigue, eventually leading to burnout, breakdown and chronic illness.

In 4 years, I’ve come a long way.  Last year, upon experiencing a 50% improvement in my health on the year before – seeing a spike in energy (I actually had some!) and some pain free living – I actually sat with the question “who am I?” and gave it some thought.

What came up for me was that:

I am a healthy person

I am well nourished

I am balanced in all areas of my life, body and business

I am peaceful

I am safe

I am whole

I am home

I am loved

I am fun

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Determination has always been my superpower. But now, here I am tapping into a strength and inner power that I never knew existed.

I HAD to turn inwards because there was no longer anything strong enough to numb out the pain with which I was living. I lived in victim mode for a while, spent a few years waiting, wishing, hoping for someone – anyone – to rescue me, but when I finally realised no one was coming and I was the one left with a £700 mortgage and a disability, with no insurance and no sick pay, I realised that no one else was going to take responsibility for my situation, my health, my wellbeing, the fact my outgoings super exceeded my incomings (and have done for 4 years now). I was the one left to deal with it all. And make the choice of do I stay this way or make a change?

I cannot tell you thankful I am for the decision I made to go within, reconnect with the belief that “I mattered” and started to drown out the noise of everyone around me.

In making this shift, I now see myself as the creator of my own life. I’ve made the changes I needed to make to my diet, lifestyle, the way I manage stress and more recently, emotional regulation, with intention.  I live a slow-paced life – on purpose.

Previously, there was nothing intentional about my life and the way I was living it. I was just going along with what everyone else was doing. Doing what I thought was expected of me, doing what I was told, just getting on with it.

Fast forward to where I am now and I’m more connected with my body, my thoughts, my needs, my wants, my hearts desires.  I know how I’m feeling, like how I’m really feeling. I’m following my dreams and have found my life’s purpose and I know the very reason my life is in existence. 

For the first time in my life, I’m starting to step into a place where I define my own rules. Rules that are true to me and the essence of who I really am. Rules that enable me to meet my needs. Rules that align with my own values. I set my own boundaries based on what feels good to me, what helps me look after my energy levels and what supports me on the path of a more meaningful life.

I’ve realised that trying to keep up with everyone else’s rules, ideas and expectations leaves me feeling confused, beat down, deflated, fatigued and without enough energy to keep getting up and doing what is required of me to live a life of full health and vibrant energy.

I’ve learnt that no matter the choices I make, the decisions I take, how much I listen to outside voices over my own, I am judged, belittled and ridiculed anyway. And always on someone else’s opinion over my own and ones I’ve come to realise don’t reflect who I truly am and don’t consider anything about me as a person.

I am who I am, despite this, so trying to conform, step inside this little box of ceilings and walls and no windows is stifling, having not only gone against the grain of what I know to be true and believe, it’s proved a heavy weight to carry.

Most of all, it has led to disastrous consequences on my health and healing.

Recently, I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s time for me to put this weight down. I’ve been carrying it long enough. I’m tired and weary far more than I’d like to be and it’s time to boost my energy levels back up to where they’re meant to be, back up to where they’re capable of being.

Time to let go of the shackles of my own outrageously high expectations and all the fears I’ve accumulated along the way.

It’s my time now.

Time to be me.

Time to be free.