Warrior Weekly: staying friends with myself amidst the mayhem
Nursing the aftermath of doing too many things, turning a challenging situation into a practice and an invitation for you.
Dear reader, this will be my last Warrior Weekly for a couple of months. I will continue posting occasional blogs during this time. This post has turned into a longer one than normal so either grab a cuppa or scroll through to the invitation 3/4 of the way down. If you’re really short on time today, head down to the thought-provoking questions at the end. See you one last time in the comments before the new year?
Monday – 9am pedicure client. “How are you feeling in your neck, shoulder and chest region?” I asked mid foot massage. “Achy” she replied. I could feel it in her feet and then we go to the lungs section “ouch!”. To me this signifies something going on that is asking for attention. We ended the treatment with a lung breathwork meditation that I learnt in my online yoga class the other year (right before I got covid – I don’t know what made me go on to practice this every day in the few weeks beforehand, as it was unlike me to pick something up immediately, but I did, and I feel sure it helped). If nothing else, it will help this client feel less overwhelm and create space in the top half of her body as well as space to check in with herself on occasion throughout the day.
“For just a few breaths, that’s made me feel different” shared the client as she opened her now sparkly vibrant eyes. “Who knew that could make such a difference?”
Connecting with my breath, breathing deeply and doing various breathwork practices has been a big part of my recovery. Several times a day on my own, a big part of my yoga practice and now I’m teaching clients the power of it too.
1pm nails client where I made a big discovery. I often get this couple talking about their lives, their memories, their family, their love and their cherished moments and experiences. The client has MS and is pretty much housebound. Her husband cares for her alongside daily carers. He’s been journalling every fortnight for decades (what a gift to leave his family when he is no longer here). Today I discovered that he has written a series of books for children. He’s been writing them for 20 years and is yet to complete the ending. He told me all about the stories, his inspiration and the adventures of each tale. They sound incredible and I would buy them for my nieces. Hoping I’ve done enough to convince him to self-publish. He appreciated the knowledge that generally books take a long time to birth and that his experience of taking a couple of decades to write a series is often the norm. Left with a £10 tip and a big bottle of Baileys. Technically, I don’t drink anymore. However, I do love the odd Baileys coffee (and odd one of this and odd one of that) so I took him up on his offer of sharing it with my family.
Joined in on an “Inspire and Connect” networking session in the evening. If you don’t know me by now, I will often sign up for things because it feels in alignment or like something I really want to do – but I will often have no idea what it is I’m signing up for. This was one of those occasions. It took for the session to get going and for me to see my friend (whom I’ve never met in person) to remember it was something she once recommended to me. I met a few friendly faces and discovered that my rising sign is Sagittarius – no wonder this new moon is feeling so powerful.
Tuesday – 9am writing class. Started a meditation blog which took me to some deep and dark places. 6 A4 pages in and I may only be half way through so it’ll be a long one! It all feels relevant to highlight the varying aspects of the meditation journey that I have taken. A journey that started the year my life turned to sh*t, later becoming (what felt like) impossible to do and eventually led to such deep and profound effect that it changed the relationship I had with migraine disease – a change which put me on to a whole new trajectory of hope and healing.
3rd session of The Warrior’s Path with my 3rd warrior. It took me hours to come down from the last session, this one was really grounding and calming leaving the client with a newfound ability to tune in to her intuition on a deeper level than ever before. “It’s really nice being in my life atm, in my body, in my head – all of it”. Whoop!
Grabbed an opportunity for another conscious connecting breathwork journey. What a journey it was! I set an intention to let go, received a few insights and epiphanies. One being that this “need to know” is an illusion. It doesn’t really exist. It’s an illusion of our own creation. What would happen if you let go of the need to know? What space would it free up in your life? What could you use that time and energy for instead? I’m not even sure I’m making sense with this one, I’ve been on a bit of a journey with letting go of the need to know for a few months and this is where I’m at with it.
Regular bodywork client. I love it when a client takes regular big deep breaths, it’s a sign to me of a nervous system reset. Also, lots of energy movement gifting a sense of restoration, peace, calm, balance. I’ve been guided to put my treatment prices up since the summer, yet I’ve been resisting it. Today was the day, giving notice for the new year increase. “Worth every penny” he said.
Wednesday – stepping into autumn week of my menstrual cycle, head not so great. Cold plunge/cold shower. Yoga had the power to make me feel brand new for the rest of the day. It’s either that or my teachers ability to hold space for me and meet me where I’m at. We got the blood pumping, lymphatics moving, everything flowing. Ending the sesh with a meditation where one quarter of the focus was to befriend myself. It left me with a lot to process. Do I fall out with myself when I am unwell? Do I treat myself as less than? Is the whole thing such an inconvenience and I just don’t have time for this?
How do you treat yourself when you are ill? How do you speak to yourself, take care of yourself and respond to ill health? Do you blame yourself or wish it were different?
Regular bodywork client and a fair few channelled messages. “Doing for others and not for self”, “saying yes when should say no” being a couple of them. Spent a good half hour after treatment having a chat through the messages and thrashing out some ideas on how to handle a constant barrage of requests and favours. It can start with a pause and check-in with self before replying for example. Sometimes it might be a yes depending on season and time of year – summer for example might see more yes’s than no’s and right now in the depths of winter we might say no when at other times it would be a yes. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
In what way do you do for others and not for self? When do you say yes when you should say no? What factors do you base your ‘yes’ decisions on? How do you know when to say no?
Infrared sauna and cold plunge at R’s after – much needed and the benefits noted at this stage in my menstrual cycle. Menstruating readers: Did you know that getting your sweat on in a sauna is a great and recommended thing to do in your menstrual cycle post ovulation and the week before your period? What practices do you have in place that ready you for your bleed/the onset of winter week?
Thursday - 9am writing class. Whilst I maybe should have given it a swerve I didn’t. It’s the last one of the year in any case so glad I didn’t – though I am fully aware I’ve carried on the energy of “overdoing it” that I’ve been caught up in for 2 months now. Made the decision recently to take a 2 month break from writing groups alongside my annual break in January and February. Realised I need to reassess boundaries that honour my menstrual cycle now I’ve restructured my business and have new routines in place. Things have gone a bit haywire what with my improved health, higher energy levels and big changes that have happened in my life this year. It’s important to me that my health continues to improve and that I maintain a sense of (imperfect) balance whilst living in full alignment with a dream life. Time to revisit what it was that got me here, realign with that and integrate my increased level of health in a new and improved way.
Regular bodywork client, her session ending with “my leg feels ten times better!” following an earlier conversation around how rewarding the work I do must be. Rewarding doesn’t even come close. My business management and recruitment days were rewarding. Securing candidates their dream job alongside finding clients their ideal candidate was incredibly rewarding. The work I do now has a deeper sense of purpose and meaning. Supporting clients to achieve what I have is in full alignment with my belief that what’s possible for me is possible for others too. It lights me up and is energising. Slogging it out for 12 hours a day in a rewarding role was depleting and in the end, the rewards didn’t match or balance out the sacrifice. The work I do now feels entirely different.
3 course Christmas lunch by the water with a life-long friend before a nature walk and back home to bed with mild pain. Rubbish.
Friday - spent half the night awake putting into practice staying friends with myself to the very best of my ability. Lots of love shower breathing - a practice I made up in the midst of severe and agonising pain. A breathing practice I always intended to teach others. Let’s see if it works with you dear reader.
Invitation:
If you’d like to get comfy in your seat, close your eyes when you’re ready and breath (through your nose) into your heart space. Feel your chest expanding. On the exhale, imagine the love as a shower of energy all over your body. From head to toe immerse yourself in the energy of love as your breath leaves your body (again through your nose). Practice this a few times in a quiet space and feel for any difference to how you felt when you started to how you feel after.
For the first time, I imagined an eraser, erasing the pain from my head. The result? I managed to break the pain cycle. Then it came back. I practiced again. Broke it again. Came back again. And on went the merry dance between the pain and the friendship, the love and the eraser for hours and hours and hours.
Dog caring duties today and tonight. Lots of frequent walks made up for some days inactivity this week. A lack in movement another sign I am overdoing it perhaps? Along with losing a few post ideas this week – something that has never happened in the 3 years I’ve been writing for you. I always have space to receive ideas and to write them down. Not this week.
The bodywork therapist I booked in Leeds the other week but cancelled (due to sudden injury as I arrived) came to visit me at 7 Lakes. 3 hours of long overdue bodywork, ending in a facial. I can’t tell you how much I needed this (my regular therapist is out of action for at least 3 months and I can feel it in my body). Post treatment, my body and it’s energy lines felt so clear, I felt lighter, healthier and received some channelled insights from the therapist as to some of the emotions stored in my body that I hadn’t connected with before.
Saturday – 6:45am walk in the starlit sky with Milo. It’s mornings like this where I really would love a dog. As if you’d get me up and out at that time any other way. Yet the beauty, the magic, the stillness. It really was something else. And what better way to start the day.
R’s mum goes away over the festive period so she has Christmas Day at her house for all the fam a week early. We’re celebrating our one year anniversary this weekend so it’s the first time I’ve been. It really felt like Christmas day! I loved it and what a way to do it so that it happens every year when for many there’s a split between spending it with one family or the in-laws.
Sunday – woke up with R’s cold! One year since we first met. I turned up in a dirty coat and he suggested a walk by the power station. We’ll be doing our monthly/first annual check in on a day when I’m well. Went to pick up my new car today. I’ve had a Skoda Fabia for the last 7 years which I love but somehow managed to get a deal too good to refuse on a Skoda Kamiq. When I googled the meaning behind the word kamiq (because I instinctively knew there had to be one), it means “fits perfectly into any situation – like a second skin”.
Had an Epsom salt bath before bed in pain again. Can’t wait for Christmas break to get myself back to baseline with rest. I know from bitter experience that I shouldn’t wait for the world to rest before I give myself space to rest but it’s where I’m at at the moment.
Space for reflection
My greatest passion is to help others who live with chronic illness find their voice. Part of the work I do around this is to ask thought-provoking questions. Choose one or two below and let’s chat about what’s come up for you in the comments section?
What would happen if you let go of the need to know? What space would it free up in your life? What could you use that time and energy for instead?
How do you treat yourself when you are ill? How do you speak to yourself, take care of yourself and respond to ill health? Do you blame yourself or wish it were different?
In what way do you do for others and not for self? When do you say yes when you should say no? What factors do you base your ‘yes’ decisions on?
Menstruating readers: Did you know that getting your sweat on in a sauna is a great and recommended thing to do in your menstrual cycle post ovulation and the week before your period? What practices do you have in place that ready you for your bleed/the onset of winter week?
How do you check in with your priorities, visit where you’re at and review what brought you there?
For those of you who had a go at the love shower breathing practice, how did you find it? One for the bank?
What does rest look like to you? When do you give yourself permission to rest? How much rest do you allow yourself to have? How often?
1. The need to know... I’ll be pondering this one. What is it that I’m searching to know about? Hmmm 🤔
2. I think this one is difficult, it depends. My chronic health condition I’m alright with now. But if I get a cold or flu, I often know from who and how... This is so difficult! It brings up lots of anger, frustration and sometimes regret (if I did something silly like stay out without keeping warm or spending time with someone sick, knowing I’ll catch it).
3. Oh this is a gooden. I’m a people pleaser and often say yes to things to help the other person (especially if they ask directly), feeling a debt. Especially with family members. Which can mean I don’t respect what I need!
4. My autumn week I take it easy, start winding down and clearing the calendar. Keeping an eye on plans for the first couple of days of my period, that nothing is in the diary, mornings are cleared to ensure enough sleep. My husband gets chocolate in for me (we’re on 80% cacao, and higher, but 90 is too far at the moment 😆). I should introduce sauna time, though during the ivf was told not to do the sauna as it lowers the blood pressure.
5. 2023/2024 in 2023/2024 list helps this! I make a list of things I want to do in the year, regularly reviewing it. Then at the end of the year, I check what I got done and what ones I didn’t but wanted to. Then review the ones that didn’t want to get done and why. I have just do a reflection of 23 things I did in 23! That’s a new one for me!
6. Loved the shower breathing! Did it on the train! ❤️ 🥰
7. I certainly give permission to rest, it’s vital for me and managing my chronic health issues/pain. But carving what kind of rest I need can sometimes be tricky. I plan to reduce screen time in the new year as I think it’s not helping with me trying to connect with what rest I need. Make the screen time more purposeful and planned ☺️
I’ve been slowly loosening my grip on the need to know everything I can about long COVID. There’s definitely a law of diminishing returns with scientific/medical knowledge when it applies to you, especially if you have an energy-limiting condition. It is not easy to let go of this since “knowing” is one of my lifelong traits, but I realize there are ways in which it’s holding me back.
Wishing you deep rest, Amber. See you in the new year 🌟