I am triggered
In answer to a reader question: "how do you know when you’ve been triggered?" I had to wait until I was triggered to articulate. Here goes...
One of the biggest compliments I’ve ever received consistently throughout my life is
“you’re the most positive person I’ve ever met.”
I had NO IDEA that somewhere amidst all the numbness I felt throughout my 20’s and 30’s that there were times I felt triggered by this compliment.
I didn’t feel positive allllll the time. On an unconscious level (at the time), I felt that because people saw me this way that there was no room for me to show up in other ways. For example, when I feel down or tired or unhappy. When I reflect back, I can see I was carrying a weight of expectation that I didn’t even know was there.
And now I’m as far into my health and healing journey as I am, I’m finding that *sometimes* people make the assumption that I attribute my overcoming chronic ill health to the extent that I have to a “positive mindset”. That this is what I am suggesting it takes. Is all it takes.
This assumption in and of itself is enormously triggering to both the person making this assumption as much as it is to me. As if such challenges (or any of life’s greatest challenges and limitations) could be overcome with the power of a positive mindset. I know it is talked about a lot, many books written on the topic, buzz words surrounding mindset and positivity all over the place. But for what it’s taken me to enjoy the level of wellness I do now, live a dream life in the modern world, well, it goes far deeper and is a far more expansive subject than ‘mindset’. Positive or otherwise.
Though it has to be said, I don’t feel such assumptions are made in this space or when there is space to be seen, heard and understood. It’s most often in passing comments (literally, on socials posts for example), in text messages or surface level conversations.
In fact, it’s the lack of space to be and feel seen, heard and understood that I am finding triggers me immensely, perhaps the most. I’m wondering if I feel this way, does the other person too? An answer I do not yet know.
I’ve been working with triggers for a long time now. Before I even knew that’s how I was feeling or what I was doing. I’ve only become more conscious and aware I am triggered in the moment that its happening since I moved here to my holiday home a little over a year ago.
One of the ways I know I’m triggered is by how I feel.
How do I feel when I’m triggered?
Unseen
Unheard
Not believed
Mad
Irritated
Restless
Rattled
Misconstrued
Furious
Like lashing out
Screaming inside
Raging
Hot
Unhappy
Lost
Isolated
Alone
Scared
Hurt
Misunderstood
I can find it difficult to sooth myself.
It can take time for me to work through a trigger.
The word trigger is used a lot these days. Often related to the triggering of trauma, past wounds, childhood issues. We talk about triggers in the migraine community and most commonly link them to food and other sensitivities. But what about when we are triggered by the words of another? I’ve been triggered into attack a few times through text messages, conversations. Even a 3 month full on relapse the year before last!
What main thoughts am I experiencing?
I replay the conversation over and over in my head. Feeling a mixture and a range of all the feelings listed above. I spend hours, days, weeks even, in my head, thinking, going over responses. Things I could have, should have said.
Driving myself demented. Frustrated beyond belief.
It’s only now I can see that it’s not about what I should have could have said.
It’s not about what’s wrong or right. Or even what’s fair / unfair.
Though try telling me that when I’m triggered.
What helps me move through a trigger?
Stepping back to reflect on what’s going on.
Giving space to it. To what’s happened. To how I feel.
Not responding when I am triggered. Because I can feel like lashing out and any response is only a reaction and a continued, desperate attempt to be seen, heard and understood, I step away from the conversation.
That is, unless, I am able to let the other person know I am triggered. I’ve only been able to do this once so far. It helped. It really helped me move through the trigger quickly.
Send myself love.
Send love to the other person.
Remind myself it is not their fault. They are not to blame.
Recognise the trigger is a call for healing. It is showing me that something is calling for my attention. It is little to do with the other person.
In a safe space, voice what is going on and coming up for me.
Ask myself: what is my biggest frustration in this moment? Most recent answer: that I am not believed. Not seen for who I truly am.
Further journal prompts for consideration: where does this come from? What is my first memory of not being believed? How does it show up in my body? Where in my body can I feel it?
Write down how I’m feeling/what’s coming up for me.
In the most recent trigger situation I found myself in – one evening before bed this week – I worked through all the above. I left my boyf a voice note before I went to sleep so that I didn’t stew on it all night/in my sleep and wake up feeling the same way. I’ve done this too many times now and now I am more conscious and aware of what is going on, what has happened and how I feel. I realise I can transmute this way of being, this way of feeling and I don’t have to stay triggered. There are things I can do to take care of and support how I feel.
What I’ve found interesting is that it’s this inner work that I do on my own that helps me feel seen, heard and understood. Go figure.
How I feel after
No longer triggered.
More understanding of a bigger picture.
Seen.
Heard.
Understood.
I can see that we all experience many different realities. Different sets of beliefs. All are valid.
What I haven’t yet been able to do but would like to next time
Tell the other person that I am triggered and let them know that I will come back to the conversation another time.
Fellow warriors,
What does the word triggered meant to you?
How do you know/feel when you are triggered?
How does being triggered impact your thoughts?
What helps you move through a trigger response?
