How to be with yourself without being at war with your body

What a healing circle, a difficult question, and eight years of recovery taught me about meeting myself where I am

Amber Horrox 🗝️Warrior Within

Jun 07, 2026

Remember your power.

Remember the truth of who you are.

Beneath the noise.

Beneath the to do’s, the should do’s.

Beneath the rights and the wrongs.

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Every time we meet in The Wellness Maidens healing circle, I tune in to the intention energetically.

Friday’s energetic intention was for:

Peace

Love

Understanding

With a desire to know “how to be with ourselves without being at war with the body”.

After opening the space by lighting the three candles for each energetic intention, followed by the gorgeous grounding meditation and poem, we started the sharing by first sitting with the question:

What do I need today?

There was quiet as we allowed space for the question to settle.

Asking a question of this nature can activate or soothe the nervous system.

I should know.

Because the first time I asked it in The Wellness Maidens, I went straight into full-on panic mode.

And it was my bloody question!

The reason I went into panic mode was because, in that moment, I didn’t know the answer.

My body interpreted my not knowing the answer to a question as a threat.

Energy shot up from the lower part of my body, all the way up my back and neck and into the back of my head.

Once I stayed with my body’s reaction, staying with what I was feeling in my body, staying with my breath, I was able to connect.

Connect with my need to

be here now.

That was what my body needed.

But it took me a little time to connect.

This is what I mean by showing up as you are.

Not having all the answers figured out.

Not responding perfectly.

Mentally, we might think there is a right way or a wrong way to present ourselves.

To turn up.

To perform.

But it is in allowing ourselves to unravel that the body’s wisdom reveals itself.

That we can connect.

See.

three brown wooden boat on blue lake water taken at daytime — Photo by Pietro De Grandi on Unsplash

Really see what lies beneath the surface.

Really see what is calling for our attention.

Really see what the body is trying to communicate.

How it really feels.

What it really needs.

In this year’s fourth Wellness Maidens circle, the need for confidence, reassurance, acceptance and support was shared.

As was the difficulty with identifying and asking for our needs to be met.

Expressing our needs in a held and non-judgemental space led on to a lot of sharing around our need for help and difficulty in identifying and expressing those needs in ordinary daily life.

We each shared challenges around not being understood, not having the energy and the loss of so many in-person friendships due to the everyday challenges we face with illness and limitations that are not yet understood.

Beneath it all sat the discomfort of vulnerability and fear of rejection. Trying to control outcomes. Trying to control how others perceive us.

Trying to control the perception others have of me and seeing myself as weak for needing the care, love and attention that I do - to the continued extent I do - are two areas surfacing for me a lot lately that I did not previously know were there.

This is who I am — In this season of my life in any case. (Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash)

It was fascinating to witness the shares that were mirroring so much of what I had coming up for me. And to see us resonating so deeply with one another. After perhaps believing all this time that it was just us who felt this way. Only me who was having this experience. Seeing an image of everyone else out there living their lives.

All that was shared and given voice to in this circle was exactly what it takes to be with ourselves without being at war with our bodies, and in turn, other people in our lives.

Here, and especially in practice, we might be able to see that what sounds so simple is layered in complexity and challenge.

This is deep work and the desire to do it is most often born out of struggle and collapse. A necessity to find another way.

A connection with a knowing and a truth that there must be one.

Opening ourselves up in this way, hearing the call of the invitation and showing up for ourselves is enormous.

This month, I am 8 years into the deep end of the healing journey.

8 years on from the full collapse of my health and life.

8 years sober.

And 8 years on a new trajectory of hope and healing.

I’m no longer losing periods of my life to severe illness.

I used to lose 2.5 weeks a month to menstrual migraine attacks alone.

I lived believing my body was attacking me.

That I hadn’t done enough.

Wasn’t good enough.

And would incessantly beat myself up mentally.

To the point that in recovery from severe attack, it would feel like my head had been beaten up all around the inside.

As though my stomach had been ripped out.

Run over by a truck, as the saying in the chronic illness community goes.

Each year of the past eight has seen dark periods, low points, relapse, difficulty, relentless challenge and struggle.

Each year, a deeper layer to healing.

Health improvement year on year.

Reminding myself each year of something a fellow chronic illness friend taught me:

A lot can change in a year.

The attunement to my body continuing to deepen with each year that passes.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

Financially.

man wearing black shorts walking on red metal beam — Photo by GMB Fitness on Unsplash

In the past couple of days, I’ve been experiencing what I no longer term a war, a battle or a fight, but more something that has become a bit of a tussle.

And now, as I step into what I

term the more vulnerable time of the month health-wise, I notice the mental chatter on repeat.

I’m having a conversation in my head that hasn’t even happened.

Fear and worry that it might do though.

I’ve got to prepare and be ready.

Just in case.

Prepare myself for battle.

Conflict.

Misdemeanours.

Physically, my hips have been twinging, just a little, at the front on both sides.

Emotionally, fear and worry are present.

A mounting pressure.

I am feeling responsible in some way.

Over what, I’m not quite sure.

A just in case.

Next week I am on holiday.

We have a wedding on the day I am due on my period.

I could easily spiral into a panic.

What if I’m unwell?

What if I can’t make it?

What if I ruin the day?

Recently, I came across a reflection from Lauren Nichole ⚜️ that has stayed with me:

“It’s gonna be okay.”

Such a simple sentence, yet I realised how much of my energy can still be spent preparing for things that haven’t happened.

Worrying about conversations that haven’t taken place.

Outcomes I can’t control.

Scenarios that may never come to pass.

Lauren goes on to share

I am safe in this moment.

I have everything I need in this moment.

I am loved in this moment.

These truths help bring me back to myself.

Back to what is here.

Back to what is real.

I have been there before.

Puking as the bride is about to walk down the aisle.

It’s not like it hasn’t happened.

I’m not there now.

After living on the cliff edge for so long, I find I do not spiral anymore.

I count this as a win.

I put down what I can.

Do I really need to edit six more chapters before I go away?

Or am I mounting more pressure and responsibility that I can choose to take away?

It’s safe for me to flow at the pace of ease.

I remind myself.

What else can I say no to?

I ask the question feeling empowered and not like the victim of circumstance that I used to feel.

My hips continue to twinge.

The mental chatter persists.

A knowing that although this is low level, the symptoms either side of my period will happen at least once. On average for a good couple of days.

Their low level and mild nature will match my low level physical, mental and emotional state.

green field during golden hour — Photo by Simon Wilkes on Unsplash

Accepting where I am at in this moment is imperative.

Meeting myself where I’m at.

Even though I can’t change it.

I can only support my way through it.

I can leave out the additional noise.

Things like:

Amber, you should know better.

You should have done more.

You’ve not done enough.

…

I haven’t done what I wanted to though.

I didn’t reach the goal.

I’m a failure.

The thoughts give it a good try.

I remind myself that at this time in my menstrual cycle, the inner critic puts in an appearance.

That is all this is.

How can I support how I am feeling?

I can journal.

I remember my ta-da list helps immensely.

Any time I feel like I’m not doing enough or good enough, it’s my go-to.

It helps quieten the mental pattern tremendously.

Only today, it takes me a while to get there.

Unusual.

But still I must continue to meet myself where I’m at.

Not where I normally am.

I write a celebration list too.

I’ve brought in a more frequent practice of it this year and I haven’t done one in a couple of weeks.

Hours later, I send the third part of Migraine out to beta readers.

It’s all set up to send so it’s not a lot of work in the moment.

I note what a big moment in the book writing journey this is.

It’s huge.

I decide to go for a walk in nature to celebrate.

Another blog idea comes through.

And a chapter on making decisions for the book, Migraine, due out for pre-order at the end of this month.

A reminder I seem to need every month. That when I put something down. When I say no. It opens up the space for the new to come in.

The ideas. The insights. The next steps.

I do not need to go chasing.

I don’t need to push and force my way through my days or my work.

The added pressure and weight of responsibility does not make me go any faster.

Sometimes I remind myself “I am the bravest girl I know”.

I hadn’t thought to write a chapter on decision making before, because making big decisions and taking risks has always been a skill I’ve been pleased with.

Though I look back and see that they were big decisions for me to be making on my own. With little outside support and encouragement to make the kind I was faced with.

I see the struggle it is for many, and really, how it was for me, and feel I may have some insight and wisdom to share that could be beneficial.

Another hot topic raised in The Wellness Maidens circle was the difficulty of receiving.

I’ve been working on my relationship with receiving for years.

Receiving compliments.

Receiving love.

Receiving money that doesn’t come at the cost of over-working and over-giving and sacrificing myself like a lamb to slaughter to make me worthy of it.

My online pal, Nicola Bal leaves me a comment on my “end of an era” note:

“This filled my heart with immense joy, Amber.”

I remember to use this as a practice to open up to receiving.

I consciously open my shoulders, thereby connecting with my heart.

Keep your heart open, Amber.

It helps at this time of the cycle.

We close Friday’s circle with:

Enough-ness

Hope

Truth

Knowing that we are not on our own.

A much-needed reminder that we are not alone.

That how we’re feeling is how others are feeling.

That what we’re experiencing, others are experiencing.

We all agree that we are not that different after all.

Even though we were meeting from England, Spain, America and India.

Even though we lived with different illnesses, diseases and conditions.

With The Wellness Maidens, you can come and go as you please.

We’ve made space for you.

We’ve made space for all of you.

You arrive as you are.

Leave when you are ready.

On this occasion, we all stayed on for another twenty minutes chatting.

Sharing.

Bonding.

Connecting.

Real community.

Real sanctuary.

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