This year, I’ve become more open and vocal about how it can seem an easier option to be ill.
Yep, you heard me right.
I’ve realised it is, at times, easier to be ill than it is to say no, make a change, make some minor adjustments when needed, all in order to avoid being ill.
Easier to be this way than it was to put me right at the top of the list and, shock horror, keep me there. After all, isn’t it selfish to take care of yourself, put yourself in the picture, think about you and what you want and need? Isn’t that what we’ve been taught?
All this has been FAR from easy to admit. It has taken a lot of guts, leaning into a lot of “knowing”. But I’ve found I’ve HAD to
a) For the benefit of myself and my continued improvement health wise, which is my number 1 priority and goal, and
b) To share the reality of healing and getting “well” with others, it ain’t always pretty – often it’s pretty damn uncomfortable – and I’m highlighting what it takes to get this far, what it’s really like, what you can expect and what you might have to go through and face yourself.
Last week, I was feeling frustrated and got my breath up doing some yoga by the river, in a field with some cows. Usual standard Wednesday stuff!
Here amongst nature and in moving my body, I had the realisation that I’ve never been taught or shown what to do when I’m feeling frustrated. I’ve never learnt.
How do I respond, move through and process such a feeling? Come to think of it, all I’ve ever seen others do is react, keep it to themselves or take it out on others.
I recognise now, in writing this, that this realisation makes me feel angry. I can feel anger in my top left arm. (And later on, in typing this, I can feel the anger in the left-hand side of my back under my arm pit.)
I am angry that this has been the case. That I’ve felt a feeling, such as frustration, and I’ve not known what to do with it any time it comes up.
Last week, I missed this subtle feeling of anger in my arm and back and it later manifested in a migraine.
Must’ve been one of those times where it was easier for me to be ill and in a lot of pain than it was to make a change. Easier to be ill than to stop and pause, take a moment, breath into the area of flare in my body. After all, I had plans arranged, jobs to do, work to be done. Easier to carry on and continue as I was. As entirely unconscious to me at the time that this was in this particular scenario, one thing that I was aware of in the following few days was that I was overdoing it; babysitting, working, packing, cleaning, moving a carload of stuff to my new home and visiting a friend nearly an hour’s drive away.
The choice was mine to make and take in those 2 days. Although yeah, for sure, I slipped back into my old ways and told myself I didn’t really have a choice. Shit needed to be done. The choice I made was not to make any changes, I wouldn’t step up, I wouldn’t say no.
Only the next day did I connect with anger at the root of the high level of pain I now found myself experiencing.
Anger as the feeling and a belief I have long-since held on a subconscious level, until now, that “I am a disaster”.
Although the high level of pain cleared as soon as I voiced what was at the root of this particular attack, I haven’t felt great since (full of cold, sore throat, blocked nose, tickly cough). Feeling under the weather shall we say, a little bit bleurgh. Can’t really be bothered doing anything around what I’ve already got booked in with working, friends and family.
As I have a whole day free to myself today, I asked myself in my journal this morning “what can I do to be ok with being a little bit bleurgh?”.
I can write, I can read, I can breathe through any feelings. I can listen to music, eat nourishing food. I can be mindful of my temptation to eat sugar as an emotional response to how I’m feeling (as opposed to indulging in it as a genuine treat/out of enjoyment).
I can keep my phone in the other room to avoid being on it all day. I can take a walk into town to buy some double cream to go with some berries and stewed rhubarb for later, pick up some fresh free-range eggs on the way back.
I can sit in the sun and get plenty of fresh air on the balcony.
I can continue to see how far I’ve come and celebrate small wins.
I can ask myself “what do I need?”
And when I feel like I could do with a hug, I can hug myself instead of homing in on the fact that I have no significant other to hug me or snuggle up on the sofa to watch a movie with. When I do this and think about what is “missing” from my life, I realise I am leaving myself out of the equation, I am forgetting about me. I always have me. I am never really alone or lonely because I always have me for company, for inspiration, for fun, for support, for encouragement. I can always see and show love to myself. It need not come from another. I do not need to look outside of myself.
Because I am everything I could ever need and want. Right here in the very heart of me. I know how to keep myself safe. I know how to look after myself, speak kindly to myself, show myself some compassion. (I’ve been practicing as though I were doing it to a friend.)
It might have taken quite some time, a whole heap of practice, a lot of retraining, but I know how to be ok with being a little bit less than. A little bit more me. A little bit more free.