A heartfelt letter to fear

Sharing all my deepest fears and my new way of looking at it.

Dear fear

Enough is enough.

It’s time we started working together. Instead of you running the show.

My allowing you to lead the way up until now has had me all up in my head.

Photo by Alexandra I. on Unsplash

In my lifetime I have become fearful of so many things.

Fearful of the dark, terrified of having no money to pay bills, worried about endless things financial. Fear over saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. Fear over what others think, fear of turning into my parents.

Then, in taking my work deeper and in keeping an open mind to sexual fears (thanks to Louise Hay directly linking it to migraine and me keeping an open mind, which took a lot for me to do I don’t mind telling you), I discovered a fear of saying no to sex, fears over getting pregnant and, at the root of all my relationship disasters, the fear of getting hurt. Add to that, fears of being me, fears of being free.

Fuck me fear, you are never-ending, you just go on and on and on.

It seems there’s no escaping you. No matter where I go, what I do or where I look.

You’re all over the news, you’re in everyone I meet. Showing up day and night. Last night, I heard a tap tap tapping at the window and wondered who was trying to get in.

You are connected to my thoughts, you directly impact any decisions and choices I make, behaviours I have and display. Fear, you have become a habit, an addiction, you are like a poison to my body, to my insides, to my organs.

I have reached a stage in my life and healing where, like I say, enough is enough.

It’s not like I don’t need you in my life, it’s not like I don’t appreciate or respect you.

There are ways and means and times where you have kept me safe. I appreciate this, and for this, I am truly grateful.

In fairness, there are times I may not have survived without you. In many ways, you are essential to my survival. I honour, recognise and cherish this in a way I never have before.

It’s often been a wonder by others as well as myself, how I got this far in life, how I made it into adulthood and to the person I am today. Fear, you have a big part to play in that. You have served me well.

You see, all this time I think I was trying to ignore you, pretend you weren’t there, make out like you weren’t real, numbing you out through drink, drugs, sex, food, tv, work, shopping and any other distraction I could access at the time.

I now realise that only does this approach not serve me, it has negative connotations to my health.

You’ve had quite the impact on my life. It’s got me wondering…if fear can have such a profound impact on my life, what can love do?

The one thing I do know is that you can’t feel fear at the same time as feeling love. If it comes down to a choice of fear and love, then I know which way I’m heading.

If anything, I’m intrigued to know if love holds the same power as you do fear, if you are never-ending and limitless, is love the same infinite force too?

I’ve known many people rule by the emotion of fear; parents, teachers, employers, politicians…it seems everywhere I turn; we are each individually and collectively as a whole, consumed by fear. And I can’t help but wonder, what would happen if we were ruled, parented, taught, lead and managed from a place of love? How different and wonderous and harmonious life would be? I’m talking a deep and unconditional love here. No rules, only boundaries.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a bit of tangent.

I guess it very much starts with me.

I no longer want to fear being me, fear being free. I am connecting to the essence of who I truly am and she’s fun and playful and sensual and authentic and true. She knows what she wants, has had a taste of freedom from the known, has a longing to be seen, heard and understood. She knows what her needs are and better still, how to meet them.

She doesn’t fit in any box, she never did. Strangely, she hasn’t met anyone else who did either. Free from the shackles of should and shouldn’t be’s, she brings with her her own magic, her own gifts, inner wisdom and all-knowing intuition. She doesn’t need anyone else’s say so, noone else’s approval, validation or permission.

She knows the best course of action to take, which way forward to go, how to be of service to others and best of all, how to take others with her as she grows.

You see, its all been there inside me all along, cloaked in fear. The dark over the light. No way for the light to get in or out.

The only way I’ve found to overcome you fear, has been to face you, walk through you. I feel like that’s the journey you and I have been on. 

Fear, I ‘ve done that with all the bravery and courage I could muster.

Please believe me when I say, I more than recognise you were doing your job. And very well I might add too. However, we are living in very different times now. Like all stages and times in history that have past, we are in the middle of a new age now, a new period of time in history and evolution. We are evolving. I am evolving.

I’m not saying I no longer require your services; I just require them less and less.

It’s time to invite love in. I’d like to welcome in this love that is unconditional. A love that I have never met, known or experienced before. See where letting love lead the way takes me. Afterall, what have I got to lose?

I’ve already had my heart broken by another many times, hell, I’ve even broken my own heart at least once.

In the past, I’ve lost my health, my will to live, my life as I knew it, so it’s not like I’ve had any lucky escape.

From where I’m standing, all I can see, sense and feel are the gains from giving this a go. And living a life being unapologetically me, unapologetically free. Well, what could be better than that?

Fear, I let you go with love.

Anytime you show up, all I will do is show you love.

I have nothing but love and gratitude for you.

I send you all my love.

Authentically yours,

Amber xx