A break-up Letter to pain

I accepted a mini challenge from Curable Health to "write a breakup letter to pain"

Dear pain,

I am writing to let you know that I do not require your presence in my life anymore.

Photo by Максим Степаненко on Unsplash

I’ve felt enough, learnt enough and thanks to our brief separation last year, have connected to what life without pain is like.  So much so, I can no longer envisage you in it.

I appreciate the 3 months break we had that gave me a chance to experience what life without you could gift.  As crazy as it sounds, I was scared to let you go.  For I did not know what life without pain would entail. 

Who’d have thought it? But, you see, I have lived no other way.  I simply did not know who I was without you.  I had never met this part of myself before.  If I’m honest, I was fearful. In many respects, I clung on to you for fear of what life might be like on the other side. I saw my light shining bright in a way I’ve never seen before and that scared the heebie-jeebies out of me. 

In some respects, I cannot thank you enough for being by my side all these years and decades.  Though I admit, at times it has been a love hate relationship; you stood up for me and said no when I could not.  You swept me off my feet and removed me from the most toxic of situations.  You had my best interests at heart, it was I who was not listening.

You were company by my side; with you I was not alone as I had to learn lesson after lesson, heal trauma after trauma, gain insight after insight.

Photo by Pete Pedroza on Unsplash

You were alerting me to all that was not in alignment. It was I that was ignoring you, as if you had no relevance in my life, nothing to give, nothing to offer, nothing to share.  I remember through the process of shoving you away, pushing you to one side, you only screamed louder and louder.  Hurt more and more. Banged on my head and beat me up from the inside, at one point, nearly every passing day.   All day and all night for 3, even 5 solid days at a time. You didn’t let up, we had no breaks back then. 

You had news to share, wisdom to offer me and you weren’t going to let up until you delivered it.  The more I ignored you, the more you persisted.  I see you now as though you were a gift waiting to be unwrapped. I thank you for this gift.

I am fully in tune with my mind, body, spirit and soul in a way I never have been, in a way I previously did not know to be possible. I connect to the softer more gentler forms of communication you gift me.  I ask that you trust we can take it from here. 

My ears have been opened it’s as if I can see for the first time. I am listening. I am in regular contact and communication with my body now, I check in on it to see how it is doing, how it is feeling.  I ask what I can do to support it on a frequent and regular basis. 

I understand that the inability to regulate emotions is one of two root causes to experiencing so much of this severe and agonising, sometimes excruciating pain.  For the first time in my life, emotionally I feel well regulated and well supported. I see now how I have suffered tremendously as a result of not having had access to this before.

I now understand that all emotions are healthy and human.  I now see it that there are no good, bad, positive, negative, right or wrong emotions.  Yes, I can feel that twinge in my right knee as I write this.  I assure you that I will give it some attention now before the twinge erupts into you, pain. Or causes problems further down the line.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I now see it that I am to feel every emotion for it is part of being human. And that my excessive behaviours in the past (food, drink, drugs, sex, tv, shopping, work) did little more than numb any and all feelings I had, even those such as joy, love, peace and happiness.  Would you believe, I’ve even built a container big enough to release anger that has been suppressed within me all these years?

As I venture off into this journey without you pain, I will stay present to my thoughts and remain mindful that “I am listening”, whether I am consciously aware of them or not.  I fully understand that these thoughts have a direct influence on my physical health, as well as my mental, emotional, spiritual and energetic health.  Not to mention my life around me, relationships, business and all that I manifest and attract. 

I know pain, that you and I have been distant for some time.  I’ve felt the distance between us, more so over this past year than ever before.  Have you felt it too?  I’m not sure whether or not you are aware I’ve been establishing a healthy relationship with my loving voice.  With effort, work, dedication and consistent practice, kindness and compassion, I’ve recently found that I’ve tipped the balance, with loving thoughts in it for the win. 

I promise you that from this point forwards, my time, focus and attention will be on speaking kindly to myself as I do others. I ask for your whispers from now on.  No more screaming, please.

It was thanks to our 3 months separation last year that I now know what life without pain looks like, feels like.  The energy a life without you gifts, how alive and well and sparkly I feel.  I no longer need to fear what is on the other side.

After one hell of a treacherous ride; the full loss of income…twice, two relapses, my career, my home as I knew it, relationships that were no longer supporting or serving me, I am now deeply connected to a higher sense of purpose, I know who I am and what I want, it’s like there’s this very reason for my existence, a calling that I didn’t realise as something that we all have, each and every one of us.

I make this commitment to myself and pledge never again to dim the light of my inner child.  For she is bright, light, energetic, happy, excited…ecstatic that I can now communicate just how much pain I’ve been living with all these years and after all this time. 

Little Amber is deliriously happy that she gets to play with people’s hair, helps and teaches others and truly expresses herself in a way she never has been able to previously. 

I know you’ve never met her and the two of you cannot coincide, but I sincerely hope that you can be happy for us and wish us all the best.

Pain, I am so thankful for all you brought me, taught me and shared with me over the years.  I see you as the true gift in life that you have been.  In many ways, our attachment was like an addiction.  At one point, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I really thought you were a part of me, just like my arm or one of my legs.

Well, pain, it is time for us to part now. Our time together has served me well. For sure, I will never forget you.  All the lessons I will hold dear. 

I make a solemn vow that I will share my wisdom with others.  So that they, too, may give thanks to their pain and part way with theirs. 

What took me a strength I never knew existed, a determination, that at times when it all got too much, I wish I never had, I now see it as my divine responsibility to share with others in a way that they can see, know, feel and believe with all their strength and mite, the way they, too, can achieve all this. 

I will shine my light so bright and pave the path and way forward for them so that they don’t have to go off venturing into the unknown, alone, unguided, without any of the research, support and evidence that this actually works, like I have.

Photo by Christopher Alvarenga on Unsplash

Pain, I love you now without condition. I love you equally as much as I love myself.

I do not feel sad at our parting, just a depth of heartfelt gratitude that cannot be explained.

It’s now time for me to set you free.

Here’s to living a life of full health and vibrant energy.

Gone from your grasp now, so long pain.

All my love and deep heartfelt thanks,

Amber xx